Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Cruelty: Verbal Abuse, Part 1

Narcs love to abuse.  Verbally, physically, emotionally, sexually...you name it.  They do it both offhandedly and deliberately, and their deliberate abuse is often done with nefarious intent.  Of course they would deny that they were trying to hurt anyone, and their defense is usually that they were defending themselves against you.  You, who stood up to them, who questioned their motives, who caught them telling barefaced lies.  You, who dared to have a mind of your own.  And sometimes they are cruel just to watch you squirm.  You attacked them, so they had to hurt you.  You tried to do better for yourself, but they had to let you know that you'll never amount to anything.  If they find out that you have any "weak spots," they will dig at them just to hurt you.  Sadistic, indeed.

Some examples from NAM:

1.  "You look good now, but you don't need to get any bigger."  I was 15 and 5'11" and weighed 135 pounds.  Yeah, I was a real fatty.  I already felt like a huge freak, so this helped me feel so much better about myself.  Not.

2.  "Imagine how you would feel if you were gang-raped."  This lovely tidbit came after I told her about being sexually abused by one of the older foster children they insisted on keeping in their home.  This same creep also molested my brother, and NAM knew about it when it happened.  Did she kick the creep out of her house?  Nope.  She even continued to keep in touch with him, even years later, sending him gifts and calling him, and sending gifts to his children.  She knew what he did, and because he talked about how much he enjoyed living with us and described the time as the best in his life, well, he got treated like royalty.

3.  "Your sister would never let anyone do something like that to her."  This, of course, was the first thing she said after I finally told her about the sexual abuse.  I was 19 when I told her, and I think I was about 10 when it happened.  No compassion from her at all.  Just blame.  And she was always mad at me and my brother for not getting along with the molesting fucker.  And she knew about what he had done to my brother, but my brother was still supposed to get along with his molester?  I lived in terror for a long time, afraid to go to sleep at night because I never knew if he would come into my room again.  He harassed me for quite a long time after the first offense, grabbing me and fondling my crotch, painfully and forcefully.  If I told him to leave me alone or asked him to do anything (such as to get out of my room or to pass on some instructions from NAM) he would say, "Yeah, if you give me some pussy."  He would watch me through the bathroom door, taking full advantage of the fact that we were forbidden to lock the doors.

4.  "You better hope it's a boy so you can get your tubes tied."  I had just told her I was pregnant with child #2.  No "congratulations" or anything.  Like I'd get my tubes tied at 23 years old.

5.  "I'll just take two sheets and sew them together."  Boy did I regret saying that I was having a hard time finding maternity clothes during my first pregnancy!  The town where we lived had one store that sold a few pieces, but, because of my height, none of it fit.  I had two things I could wear that actually fit, and one came from a maternity store 3 hours away.  1994 was not a good year for a tall woman to be pregnant.  I had some hand-me-downs from my SIL, but I could only wear the shirts and shorts.  Of course NAM criticized the way I looked in all of it.  She hated that I gained "so much" weight.  True, I gained 55 pounds, but I had mild pre-eclampsia, and I had lost 35 pounds by 6 weeks postpartum.  She would talk about me (right in front of me) and say how "worried" she was because I gained so much weight.  And of course, she followed that with her fear of the baby getting stuck because of all the fat in my birth canal.

6.  "With your flat butt?  No one would hire you!!!"  Some friends of the family had done some modeling and commercials for a department store about an hour away (from where we lived when I was growing up).  They suggested that I get started because of being tall and attractive, and because it paid very well for very little effort.  Shortly after they told me about this, NAM was complaining about money, and I told her I could do some modeling like Married-Couple-Friends suggested, and she quickly "put me in my place."  A modeling career snuffed out before it even started.

This is more than enough for now.  I can only stomach thinking about this junk for so long.

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