Tuesday, September 20, 2011

My Adoption Myths

I went to live with the parental units when I was three. My brother was 17 months younger than I was, and was more easily taken in as NAM's new baby. I had a fairly established personality, which would cause all sorts of problems...
When I've mentioned that I was adopted as a child, I hear the following idiotic comments:

"Well, at least you knew you were wanted." Uh, no, I never felt like that. NAM actually said to AF, when I was 13, that they needed to send me "back" because she couldn't deal with me anymore. I had put a bag of clothes down two feet too far to the left, and NAM hit the roof. Actually, she hit me. Repeatedly.

"You were chosen." In my experience, being "chosen" meant getting singled out for a beating.

"You went to a better home." Actually, no, I didn't. I went from a loving home with a single mother, grandmother, and grandfather to a traditional, nuclear, "good on paper" family and was beaten frequently within a few weeks of arriving. The reason I was put up for adoption was because my grandmother had died, and my grandfather was too old to take care of two small children while my mother worked. It was the 70s, and support for single (particularly the never-married) mothers wasn't easy to come by.

"Your parents love you as much as they love their REAL children." Yeah. Sure. She never hit her "real children" so hard they lost the hearing in one ear and saw black spots for several days. Her "real" daughter was taken to the doctor frequently while I had to suffer in silence over blood in my urine, trouble breathing, and brain-crushing migraines. I've had three back surgeries in the last 6 years (two in the last 7 months) due to problems from scoliosis, which NAM saw that I had (and commented on frequently) but waited 8 months to take me to a doctor. I had already finished growing by that time, and there was nothing they could do. When she heard me wheezing, she would rudely ask if it was my "stress syndrome" making me do that. Sure, woman, it's "stress." I'm not a smoker, but my chronic asthmatic bronchitis is a direct result of years of untreated asthma. Boy, I sure feel loved!

As I've written already, I am a pretty strong supporter of adoption. I think many times it works out better for the child and the parents. It's love that makes a family, regardless of DNA and who the kid looks like (or doesn't). I also don't judge those parents who regret adopting due to their child having severe attachment problems and so forth. When I first went online to find others like me, I came up pretty dry. Most of what I read was anti-adoption views about women feeling like their babies were stolen from them, even though they made the choice to relinquish their child into the care of someone else. Instead of regretting their own decision, they blasted the whole institution of adoption.

After doing more digging, I finally found a few websites and was able to "meet" others with experiences similar to mine. Somehow finding out that I wasn't alone helped a lot. I hate that others have had to go through it, but being able to reach out and support each other through the internet has been a sanity-saver. That is my intention with this blog too. I've been helped so much by others' experiences, and finding out that I'm not alone with the pain of being an abused child, the child of a narcissist, and so forth is helpful to me. I don't know what I'd do without the internet....


Pronoia Agape said...

I'm so sorry you ended up with these people.

In a way, I can relate. I recently discovered I was (most probably) donor conceived. This should mean I was very much wanted and my narcissistic "father" so graciously accepted me and loved me as his own, and I should be even more grateful than other childre, because they created me, they gave me life, and he allowed me to happen and be born, as it were.

And in reality it just didn't work out that way. Because narcissists are just not those ideal humans we imagine when we think about these issues.

Sweetness said...

Don't you love that? Parents who think their children owe them? Children don't ask to be born--or conceived. Just like a narcissist to do something "for" you so they can hold it against you later. Can you imagine what it must be like inside his head? The friggin' twilight zone!