Tuesday, September 20, 2011

So What The Hell Was Her Problem?

NAM was never officially diagnosed with NPD. She would never go to a therapist for anything, and when her doctor told her she needed an anti-depressant, he had to tell her that she needed it so she would "sleep better." You see, she was one of those people who thought that depression could be cured by reading the Bible. If I ever looked like I might be depressed, it was because I wasn't letting the Holy Spirit live through me, or some shit.

She once told me that she would be an awful person without Jesus. She said that she would be so bad that I wouldn't be able to deal with her, if not for Jesus. Well, that Jesus of hers did a lousy job of keeping her from being an awful, abusive, evil hag. But, for the sake of argument, let's say that Jesus did keep her from being any worse. I cannot imagine it. Well, I can imagine that I would be dead because she would have killed me. But I don't thank her Jesus for that. I thank myself because I learned how to stay out of the line of fire, for the most part, and although I'm damaged from it, I'm alive. And away from her.


Anonymous said...

Little One, You're far less "damaged" than you think. Look at your innate resourcefulness from the time you were but a child: "Stay out of the line of fire." It is that same capability that allowed you to not only survive but thrive and continue to move beyond.

There are vestiges of growing up with a narcmother that will remain with me until my death. I can not "undo" my kidney damage from beatings, I can not undo the physical scars, but the greatest challenge is the legacy of verbal abuse: It colored my world well into my adult life and choices....and yes, for those choices I AM responsible. I am also responsible for understanding the genesis of those choices and recognizing I have both the freedom AND the responsibility to make choices based on the knowledge of my personal history and to not wait or hesitate when I feel that "old, familiar feeling."

You grew up in the particular kind of terror only a narcmother can inflict. And with all due respect, "damage" is often another word for "adaptation." FWIW, your articulate blog speaks to the despair but more importantly the hope that arises from the ashes of the mess these parents truly are-adopted or not. In saying this, I am NOT attempting to mitigate your particular challenges with adoption. Clearly, there are other challenges here.

Despite it all, you're not simply surviving, but thriving. And your accomplishments are YOUR'S alone........

Sue Botchie said...

Book of Jude is short but it tells about fake Christians - yeah the narcs may talk about Jesus but mean nasty people deceive themselves. Reality is: narcs don't give a rat's rear about the Lord- to narcs He is just a vending machine.