Monday, November 28, 2011

A Joke I Made Up

For any adult child of a narcissist (ACON).  Repeat at will...

I was sexually active at a very young age.  My mother started mind-fucking me when I was only three.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Perverted Nasty Ass Bitch

I already wrote about NAM's lack of boundaries here.  Pretty gross reading, so I do apologize.  I did remember more evidence of her lack of a filter between her brain and her mouth, so I will share it with you too.  Maybe writing helps it not feel so awful?  

There are some things a kid shouldn't know about her parents.  I wasn't so lucky.  Or should I say that NAM decided to bless me with an inside view of her private life, and when she would get mad at me, she would withhold this information as a punishment.  It was actually a relief to be "punished" in this way, but she would never believe it.  She was punishing me by not describing her vaginal discharge?  Boy did I feel so wounded and abandoned.

1.  No daughter should know her father's penis size, nor hear it described.  Nor hear that AF referred to himself as "pretty big" compared to other males.

2.  No child should know the private, sexual things her parents say.  NAM actually told me what AF said to her when he wanted to have sex and wanted her to get pregnant.

3.  No child should hear her mother describe her parents' foreplay on their wedding night.  I cringe when I remember her telling me that AF wanted her to grab his man parts, and she didn't want to because she was grossed out.

4.  No child should hear what her AF called his man parts in private.

5.  No child should hear how her mother cleans out her vagina after sex.

6.  No child should have to watch her mother clean semen off her sheets.

7.  No child should hear how much AF liked to have sex with NAM after her 6-week postpartum recovery was over because she was stitched up so tightly.

8.  No child should hear her mother describe the odor of her vagina when she's been sweating or hear that if she doesn't bathe properly, she is bothered by how she smells "down there."

9.  No child should hear her mother describe her hemorrhoids in detail.  Or hear how her anus used to look just like a baby's before she went through pregnancy and childbirth.

10. No mother should insist on looking in the toilet each and every time after her child used it, under the pretense of "checking for worms."  

I feel dirty and abused now.  

Friday, November 11, 2011

Handbooks For The Narcissistic Parent

How to beat the shit out of your child, mind-fuck him, make him hate himself....

And make him think it's all his own fault?  Well, you can get explicit instructions by reading the books written by James Dobson.  He has a PhD in psychology, but I have to wonder if the school he attended was started by Nazis.  I need to find the link where he tells the story of beating the shit out of his dog and the satisfaction he got from "winning."  It reads like a serial killer's manifesto.  What disturbs me is the parents who buy his books and implement his "advice" and think they're doing what "god" commands them to do.  He quotes research in his claims, but it's his own research.  As is, "spanking is good because the research shows it.  What research?  Well, mine, of course.  You don't need anyone else's."  Does he sound like anyone you know?

So this sadistic, egomaniac dog turd is the founder and former leader/twat in charge of "Focus on the Family."  Here is a short list of some of his books:

The Strong Willed Child

Dare to Discipline

Bringing Up Girls

Parenting Isn't For Cowards

Bringing Up Boys 

I didn't want to include the links because I wasn't too keen on increasing traffic to those books from my site, unless it would be clear that I absolutely think their author is a psychopath.

NAM was a huge fan of James Dobson.  The Strong Willed Child was the only parenting book she owned, and the only one I ever saw her read.  She was highly threatened by any of her children reading any child-rearing books, and she made snarky comments about baby and child magazines.  I bought and read the most books out of any of my siblings, and I subscribed to more magazines, plus I bought them off the newsstands.  These were things I either had to hide from NAM or claim that someone gave them to me.  Pretty sad, huh?  Some kids hide pot and booze from their parents.  I had to hide books.  Even as an adult in my own house with my own children.  Otherwise she was so highly threatened, she would become an utterly cruel asshole toward me and would completely trash my mothering ability and insult my entire existence.

I actually want to slap people who are disapproving of me cutting contact with NAM and the family.  Yes, I want to slap them.  Or punch them.  I guess if I ever lost control and did (for the sake of argument) I could always say, "My parents taught me to hit.  Blame them.  And blame James Dobson."

Heh heh.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

She Only Does This Because She Cares So Much

I hate getting letters in the mail.  Business things don't bother me, but letters do, and it's because of one I received in 1997 from NAM.  

Back story:  I was at her house and wearing a T-shirt she hated.  I had ordered it a few weeks before, and I had just picked it up from my friend's house before heading to NAM's house, and because the weather warmed up--and the T-shirt was in my car, I changed into it at NAM's house.  You know what awful message it had on it?

La Leche League International.  Worldwide Walk for Breastfeeding 1997.

No tits.  No suckling babies.  No nipples.  No "women who use formula are bad mothers" messages.

NAM was FURIOUS when she saw me wearing the shirt.  She first asked me why I put in on, and when I told her that I put it on because I was hot, she said that she could let me wear one of her shirts instead so I could take that one off.  She then mentioned something about how "offensive" my shirt was.  No one else had a problem with it.  Just her.  And you had to get pretty close to me to even read it.

A few days later I got a letter in the mail from her.  I would have scanned it, but it has names in it, and I don't know how to edit that out of a scanned document.

Dear Sweetness, 

     It's not like me to write a letter but I need to say a few things.  I tried to call you Sunday.  Either you were out or your caller ID was on.  

     I sincerely want to apologize for commenting about your T-shirt in the presence of Family Friend and AS.  There is no excuse for my rudeness.  No matter how strongly I feel about the subject I was wrong.  I don't think it is possible for us to understand one another.  I find the T-shirt as offensive as one advocating the use of K-Y Jelly over Vaseline.  I think breastfeeding is very intimate and personal and there is a very fine line between meeting the need of the child and when it enters someone else's comfort zone. 

     Your advocacy of breastfeeding comes over very strongly.  Your physical discretion is excellent but your attitude exposes all that your discretion covers up. 

     I think that long-range results of breastfeeding vs formula are so close that it is unfair to believe that formula is so wrong.  It is a matter of choice. 

     I realize you have done a lot of reading about this.  But realize that the printed word has always had a strong influence on you in various other subjects.  You seem to form strong opinions and I feel you're very knowledgeable.  Be careful with this; others often find this very offensive or intimidating.  [And by "others" she meant her.]

     I will be the first to say that I need to be more tolerant and tactful.  I have committed to God that I will be more willing to let his Spirit guide me when I feel the need to express myself. 

     I love all my children and grandchildren.  God has blessed grandmothers with a special view of their families that no one else can see from.  The view fills the grandmother with joy but sometimes there is a little pain.  I truly want my children to love each other.  If we don't have the love of our family, is there anyone else to love us?  A common problem between married siblings is the accepting of each other's parenting methods.  (Not to mention the grandparents accepting of these methods.)  I hope this doesn't become a problem for us.  My grandchildren are each very different.  Male Grandchild--age 2 is very forceful and Female Grandchild--age 2 [my oldest daughter] is manipulative.  With guidance from their parents I see these as future positive traits that can be used in good ways.  Each of the others have traits that are thought acceptable or unacceptable by other family members.  [A five-year-old, a 10-month-old, and a 6-month-old].  But they are just children and God isn't finished with them yet. Thank heaven this holds true for all of us.  I would be very sad to know that I might remain as I am without the opportunity to repent of my ugly ways. 

     Now to end my letter with a mother's wish and a repeated apology. 

     You have done an excellent job with breastfeeding but I would like to see you put a little of the time and energy of your interest in it into other worthwhile projects. 

     Again I apologize for my statement in the presence of others.  Please forgive me.



Caller ID:

She HATED that we had caller ID.  I used it as sort of an answering machine then.  I could see if someone had called while we were away, and I could call them back.  Many people that we knew then hated leaving messages, so this worked out really well.  Once NAM found out we had caller ID, she frequently accused me of avoiding her calls if I didn't answer every time she called--which would often be several times a day.

The Breastfeeding Thing:

OMG.  You would have thought I was going around telling her and everyone else that she was a bad mother and did everything wrong because she had used formula for "her babies."  It was ok for AS to breastfeed, I guess because she didn't do it for long, and she started force-feeding her child cereal when he was about 2 months old.  NAM HATED that I didn't do this.  As far as my "strong opinions?"  I was scared to say much, but she often complained that I wasn't "feeding" my child because I wasn't giving her baby cereal three times a day when she was three months old.  I told NAM that my baby's iron levels were good, and that her growth was on track, according to the doctor, and that he said I didn't need to do any differently.

NAM would make comments like, "You just can't do anything with those breast babies."  I also think she was embarrassed because other people knew I was nursing, and that I did it for longer than a month or two.  Plus, I got lots of attention (positive attention) from AF's extended family--women who had nursed their children in the 50s and 60s with no support, and when breastfeeding rates were at an all-time low.  Husband's parents used to brag to friends and family that I was nursing and would say how easy it was for us to go places because all I had to do was stick diapers and wipes in a bag and go.  

She later made a statement about how my daughter was an "experiment," and that we'd have to wait and see how she turned out because she got "too much milk" and "not enough food."  NAM hated that the child would eat a huge variety of foods, and that I let her decide when she was ready for solids and would let her pick things up and put them into her mouth--instead of forcing spoonfuls of food in whenever she smiled.  NAM also hated that this child was never ill and never took an antibiotic until she was two (shortly after I stopped nursing).  Breastfed babies do get sick, and formula-fed babies can be very healthy, so I know that nursing isn't a guarantee of complete health, but NAM had such a problem with it because it wasn't what she did.  She also didn't tell me to do it, and she knew nothing about it.  Therefore, it was a problem.

And of course, doing anything differently from how NAM does it means you're attacking her methods.  You're telling her that she isn't good enough, and that's she's stupid.  And that everyone will see, and they won't think she's the center of the universe, all-knowing, and all-seeing.

Fucking bitch.

And I love how she said my two-and-a-half-year-old was "manipulative."  And that it would become a future positive trait.  She should know.

Dating Advice From NAM

"You want them to want you.  You don't think you have to do any work."  This was said when I expressed reluctance to go and flirt with boys (right in front of her).  AS was a huge flirt and loved to be the center of attention and would have a steady boyfriend, another guy calling her all the time, another writing her, another coming from out of town to stay at our house, and another trying to get in her pants.  NAM loved that her golden child was so popular with the boys and chastised me for not having them hanging all over me the same way.  For one, I didn't want some boy calling me just for the attention.  I also had other interests and was not too keen on my romantic life being the front page news for anyone who knew me.

And of course NAM would point out any guy who was really tall.  It didn't matter that I already had a boyfriend.  She wanted me to meet the tall one and be his girlfriend.  He could even have a girlfriend himself.  Didn't matter to her.  She couldn't understand that I wasn't gonna be interested in a guy simply because of his height.

When I was 16, I was in AB's wedding.  The bridesmaids were paired up with the groomsmen according to height, and being the tallest, I was stuck with the tallest guy.  NAM went on and on about what a perfect couple we were.  How we looked so good together.  I guess she didn't care that his fiancee was also in the bridal party too and heard every word.  Everyone knew they were engaged, even NAM.  But that didn't matter.  She knew best.

NAM never dated anyone but AF.  Never.  I think he was probably the first guy who ever asked her out.  So of course that made her a dating expert.

Compliments From Your Mother? Are You High?

So I went to my senior prom with my then-boyfriend (who I ended up marrying 3 years later--both of us marrying early to escape bad parents).  I get all pretty and feel pretty decent about myself, thinking I'm not the troll-freak I usually feel like.  Well, NAM decides that right before I walk out the door with my date, she's gonna burst my tiny bubble of happiness.

"Your hair doesn't look as good as it usually does.  I've seen it look so much better than this."


She didn't actually slap me.  Well, not that time anyway.  But I felt like she had punched me in the gut, and all the air had been sucked out of my body.

You know how parents usually take pictures of their kids before they head out to dances, especially the Senior Prom?  Not NAM.  No way.

Boyfriend was standing right there when she said that and was speechless.  He had not witnessed her cruelty toward me yet, and little did he know that there would be so much more to come.

Here is a picture of me and boyfriend in his parents' yard, just before leaving to go to the Prom (May 1990).  I blacked out his face for privacy reasons.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Self-Declared Adult Orphans

I am one.  I'm looking for a way to have my adoption declared null and void.  I don't want NAM and AF to legally be my parents.  Even though I'm almost 40, they could still technically try to get custody of my children, sue for visitation rights, or get them if I die.  My children's dad HATES NAM, so he wouldn't be a problem, but just as soon as NAM and AF got word of my untimely demise, they would crank up their efforts to take my children and ruin their lives.

Invalidating an adoption that was done in 1984.  Can it be done?  I'm not trying to change anything else other than the inheritance issues, especially as they pertain to guardianship of my children.  I have no extended family.  People bristle when I tell them that.  Like I'm supposed to just pretend my parents were OK and just forgive and forget.  

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Fantasy Island

When dealing with the N, and especially when it is your mother, you find that her grip on reality is often slippery.  Her accusations can be downright ludicrous, and it can often make you wonder where in the world does she get this stuff?

The biggest example that sticks out in my head is from when I was 19.  I had just finished my third semester of college, and I had been attending a college she was adamant I not attend.  Well, you understand, she had not gone there herself, and neither had AB nor AS, so it was not on the list of approved possibilities for me.  I had bought a car the year before, and it needed work from time to time.  She told me that AF could fix the car well enough for me to attend the university she attended, which was 1 hour away, but that he could not fix it well enough for me to attend the one 1.5 hours away.   

So in one of few attempts to branch out on my own, I went to this university.  I had to take out a student loan, plus get a job to help pay my tuition because I didn't qualify for free financial aid.  Even having a sibling in college didn't help.  And it's not like the faux parents made that much money.  Maybe $50,000 a year between the two of them (in 1991)?  So I went to this school, which my boyfriend attended (And boy did that drive her nuts.  This was the same boyfriend I ended up marrying.)  Well, after a semester of eating cafeteria food and staying in the dorm most of the time (because I couldn't take MY car), I gained about 10 pounds.  HOLY SHIT.  NAM went ballistic.  Every single time she saw me, she would say something about my weight gain.  Now, to be clear, I gained enough weight so that I was no longer underweight and was more normal looking (not "normal" for 2011, which means "obese").  I was getting compliments from people, which drove her NUTS.  Even AF and my brother kept saying that I looked good, and that it was about time I put on some weight.

Well NAM would have none of it.  She started the lecture one Saturday morning and claimed that the reason for my weight gain was that Boyfriend raped me, I got pregnant, and that I had an abortion.  It made perfect sense to her.  It didn't matter that it was absolutely insane.

After that, any time I had any kind of physical complaint (stomach ache, etc.) then it must have been caused by my "abortion."  AF even joined in on the insanity too, and I'm guessing that once NAM came up with her ingenious explanation about why I would do something so awful as to gain weight, she shared it with him so he would stop giving me compliments on how I looked.  

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

A Favorite Read

There is so much good information on the internet about N mothers.  This page was originally posted on Geocities, I think, but now it's available here:

Beautifully written and SO TRUE for anyone who has dealt with a narcissistic mother, and it also applies if you've dealt with an N spouse, lover, etc.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

The Freaky Head Games (With Beatings Thrown In For Fun)

I touched on this already in the previous post (the one where I mentioned having to smile at all times).  NAM was adamant that I keep a pleasant look on my face at all times.  I was not allowed to cry or to "frown up" after she screamed at me, threatened me with violence and bodily harm, or beat me.  I was ordered not to bring everyone down with my "moodiness."

So after she would (literally) jerk me around, pull my hair, repeatedly hit me, scream at me, slap and punch me, I was supposed to put a smile on my face and join in on whatever conversation was going on.  I was not allowed to go to my room and "pout."  If she saw me crying, she would become enraged and accuse me of looking for a shoulder to cry on or of trying to "punish her."

And speaking of her accusations:

I was three years old when I went to live with her and AF.  She started the beatings within a few weeks of my arrival, so you can imagine that her screaming violence scared the shit out of me.  So I did what most children would do: keep quiet and don't make trouble, and maybe she'll stop soon.  Well, that didn't work.  She would yell at me for not "fighting back" and would accuse me of giving her "go to hell looks."  She would claim that I was "punishing" her by not saying anything while she raged at me and beat me.  She would claim that I had evil eyes, and that I was trying to burn holes in her with my stares.  Honestly, I tried to avoid looking at her at all, just as one would avoid looking a charging animal in the eye because the beast would see it as a threat and would attack.

I don't know which was worse, the mental craziness or the pain of getting the shit kicked out of me.  I've read that some prefer to be hit than to be mind-fucked.  If it's a direct hit and nothing else, I could see that.  But when you're being dragged around the room by your hair, shaken, kicked, slapped, and more--and it goes on for, oh, I don't know, a good half-hour?  Hard to say.