Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Compliments From Your Mother? Are You High?

So I went to my senior prom with my then-boyfriend (who I ended up marrying 3 years later--both of us marrying early to escape bad parents).  I get all pretty and feel pretty decent about myself, thinking I'm not the troll-freak I usually feel like.  Well, NAM decides that right before I walk out the door with my date, she's gonna burst my tiny bubble of happiness.

"Your hair doesn't look as good as it usually does.  I've seen it look so much better than this."


She didn't actually slap me.  Well, not that time anyway.  But I felt like she had punched me in the gut, and all the air had been sucked out of my body.

You know how parents usually take pictures of their kids before they head out to dances, especially the Senior Prom?  Not NAM.  No way.

Boyfriend was standing right there when she said that and was speechless.  He had not witnessed her cruelty toward me yet, and little did he know that there would be so much more to come.

Here is a picture of me and boyfriend in his parents' yard, just before leaving to go to the Prom (May 1990).  I blacked out his face for privacy reasons.


Jonsi said...

I get the feeling that my hub's NM made/makes similar comments to his sister. When her twitter page was still public, I spotted several of her tweets where she was talking about things her mother had said to her and one of them struck me as being particularly cruel. The tweet was something like, "Mom told me that she would buy me clothes so I don't look like a boy."

Wow, bitch. Like...attack your daughter where it hurts the most. Attack her femininity and your all set for the sabotage of her self-esteem.

It's no wonder why there were so many other tweets from hubs sister about how ugly she thinks she is, how fat she thinks she is, and how she looks like a "dike."

One of the famous ones for my hub is that NMIL called him "the dogfaced boy."

Sweetness said...

That poor girl. And what's wrong with looking like a boy? Or a dyke? Do you talk to her often? I know from experience that just one comment or compliment can make a huge difference to someone being abused by a narcissistic mother. Even something as simple as "I've always loved your hair. It's so thick and gorgeous" can set the stage for seeing that her mother may not always be right about her.

Poor kid.

Jonsi said...

Hi Sweetness,

Unfortunately, because she's so badly enmeshed with her NM, (and sadly, is well on her way to becoming a narcissist herself) we've had to choose not to have a relationship with her.

I think the problem with the running commentary from her NM is that it is SO sneaky and underhanded and aimed directly at the place where she knows it will hurt her daughter. I mean, you're right, what's wrong with "looking like a boy?" And for the record - the girl is very pretty and is very feminine - so the attacks on her femininity are just being used as a means to keep her feeling as badly about herself as possible.

The girl is going to be 18 this coming year, but you know she's been hearing these kinds of underhanded and nasty comments her whole life, so her self-esteem never had a chance to develop. It's just so sick.

She doesn't realize that she's quite pretty, or that she is worth more than what her mother gave her...which was, to say, a pile of shit and lots of dysfunction.

Sigh - do I talk to her often? I was never able to have a conversation with her...I think she's one of those lost souls. Living with her narcissistic mother has created such a deep void in her that she is sadly empty. I don't see her having the inner strength to escape the ugliness that is her mother's abuses. I saw a strength in my husband that I never saw in his sister. it's just not likely she'll escape without some reserve of inner strength, some knowledge that something is wrong, and some serious guidance.

Hmm, maybe I'll do a post about her. Thanks for making me think!

PWC said...

Wow, you look gorgeous! I love the cut of your dress and your face and makeup look picture-perfect. What the hell is wrong with your mom?

...oh wait. We know the answer to that one.

Thanks for sharing your photo, more evidence your N-Mom wasn't able to see things clearly through her own selfish gaze.

Sweetness said...

Thanks so much for commenting!

Jonsi--I'd love to read about SIL. I've not encountered any Ns-in-process, so to speak,

PWC--Thanks! Looking back I see so much of what she did was based on her envy and jealousy of me. She was so threatened, and because of my nature, she was able to rip me up constantly. So glad to be free of her!

pinkpearl said...

First, you look GORGEOUS in that photo. The dress is great colour and really shows off your skin.

Second, just ugh to what your NAM said. Seriously, eff her.

Third, my mom wasn't too bad when it came to remarks about my physical appearance, although she made it clear that she thought I should do more to make the most of my looks. I find it hilarious now that at one point, she told my 20-year-old, five foot ten inch, 135 pound self that I had "fat legs". At that time I didn't have fat anything! But she needed to see it.

Sweetness said...


It's taken me so many years to finally see through the haze of living my life through her perspective. I've found that many female narcs have serious weight issues, whether it's eating disorders or freaky fixations with their ideas of thinness.

And thank you for your flattering compliments. I grew up thinking I was so ugly, and it was all because of that evil woman who called herself my mother.

CassandraSquared said...

Oh hon, if this was a "bad hair day", you must have had every boy in your school palpitating when you walked by!!! You're a KNOCKOUT! :)

Your "mother"? Ugh, ugh, ugh...evil bitch doesn't even BEGIN to describe it...

(Okay, the HIP subroutine has your mom's number. The HIP phrase for this comment is 'batio' -- as in, "Wow, your mom's batio! ;)"

Anonymous said...

WOW! What a beautiful young woman-I bet you turned heads everywhere you went then, and likely everywhere you go now. And likely still the recipient of un-warrented snarky comments from other girls/women who can't resist exposing their own narc envious/jealous selves.
More importantly, your "Declaration of Independence" from that horror story called your "mother" speaks volumes to your inner strengths......even age can't diminish inner beauty and you have it in spades, woman.
Clearly this bytch was jealous/envious as hell of you then and likely to this day. I'm so pleased to participate vicariously as you connect the dots and reclaim your life. Make no mistake, the narcparent(s) don't change-EVER. We do and that's ultimately what sets us free. If I had some kind of clapping icon I'd stick it in here, but I don't-so here's a cyber "clapping" in celebration of you and a huge hug!

Anonymous said...

Not sure how much hotter she expected you to be. There ain't a damned thing wrong with you. Which is her problem. Your looks are coming on while hers are like a setting sun.

Sweetness said...

OK, my head is swelling so much, I won't be able to walk through doors. Thanks for all of your lovely comments!