Sunday, June 10, 2012

In Rebuke Of Mother's Day

I see no honor in Mothers’ Day.  No specialness.  Nothing happy. 

I just feel pain.  Pain for the mother I didn’t have.  Pain because of a national day of appreciation for women who have children, whether the children were properly cared for or not.  It is assumed that “mother” sacrificed, sweated, slaved, and struggled to properly take care of the children who are obligated to honor her on this special day.  This and every Mothers’ Day.

And what if she doesn’t deserve it?  What of those  mothers who were abusive?  What of the children who had to cut their mothers out of their lives in order to save their own sanity, or to ensure the safety of their own children?

There is no day for us.  No recognition for those of us who did the unthinkable and stopped speaking to the woman who birthed or adopted us.  What we do get is criticism.  We’re told that we should forgive and forget because, after all, she’s your mother.  As if that title makes everything ok. 

The honor bestowed upon women simply for reproducing is repugnant.  So you had a kid.  Big deal.  You used one of the features of your female body and brought forth another person.  Or perhaps you went through some legal hoopla to acquire a child to whom you didn’t give birth.  There’s nothing remarkable about that.  Expensive, yes.  Potentially life-threatening, yes.

To deserve all this credit and honor, a mother must do much more.  For example, she must instill in her offspring a sense of who they are separately from her.  She must show them respect, kindness, compassion, empathy, and must also model these traits so that her children learn them too.  She must ensure that her children grow up to be productive and independent individuals who are a credit to humanity instead of a drain on it.

Only then does she deserve honor and approval.  Or does she really deserve anything? For doing what she should have done anyway?  Her job?  I go back and forth on this one.  Children don’t ask to be born, so I have to wonder if honoring women who’ve had kids is such a good idea ever.

Give birth or adopt, then get approval and attention?.  And don’t even get me started on “push presents.”  Diamonds and other jewelry for giving birth?  I think it’s ludicrous and even borders on obscene.  I'm all about women being treated as equals, but I think many have taken this too far and expect to be treated as superior, under the pretense of "feminism."

I don't expect gifts or acknowledgement on Mother's Day.  Hell, even the woman given credit for being its founder ended up hating her creation.  As with Valentine's Day, it's all about the merchandise.  It's really a retail holiday designed to induce guilt-purchasing.  Fortunately, long-distance calls aren't a big deal anymore, so there's no money for the phone companies in that. 

Call me jaded, but perhaps Mother's Day can be the day you call your mother and tell her how she's fucked up your life, and that her superior attitude and controlling behaviors have made you want to bring up your own children completely differently. 

"Hi, mom.  Happy Mother's Day.  I'm just calling to let you know that you did an awful job raising me--remember the bruises?--and tell you that I'll be raising my own children differently.  You know, like trying harder and not treating them like shit?  So take yourself out for a meal or something because I'm sure as fuck not going to.  Bye."

Actually, it would probably be healthier to use Mother's Day as a reminder that you were able to free yourself from the vile woman and create a life for yourself that no longer revolves around her and constantly seeking her approval.  But there is often a need to be a bit naughty and to try to get at least a little revenge.  So here's an idea:

A homemade card that reads "Happy Mother's Day" on the outside, and when she opens it, it has the following screaming bold print:

You sick, twisted cunt.


Anonymous said...

Edmund Kemper, a serial killer who also whacked his mother and grand parents was on board with us.
He said:
"Even when she was dead, she was still bitching at me. I couldn't get her to shut up!"

Sweetness said...

I read that Big Ed's mother was a real shrew, locking him in the basement because she feared he would rape his sister. I'd say she'd have blood on her hands had she not been whacked by the very son she ruined.

Anonymous said...

It sounds like he couldn't turn his back on her. He must of had to reeeeeally.. think on his feet when she was around.
It might have been what prompted his no nonsense approach to psychopathy.
You got your Ted Bundy's who wax long and poetic about being overcome by the subtle pressures of a sick society that gradually made them spin out into insanity.
Kemper just wanted to meet a nice woman and see what her head looked like on a stick.

Anonymous said...

Love the card! If I had not terminated the relationship and was strictly NC for the rest of that bitch's life, this is exactly what I would have sent. However, since I was having all kinds of stalking problems with her post NC for the 18 yrs. prior to her physical death (FINALLY) I did not want to encourage the MNPsychobitch. I realize it's difficult to attribute "motivations" to others but there is NO doubt in my mind Psychobitch had kids because it was a guaranteed way to ensure her husband would never leave her, (this was years ago-and yes, Dad DID eventually divorce her) it was "Expected" AND she "needed" an "Heir and a Spare."
I'm the "Spare." Who became so sparse as to become non-existant (NC) resulting in a backlash of epic proportions. I absolutely share your sentiments FWIW. BTW, I can't tell you how many times I heard her whine, "But I'm Your MOOOOTTTHHHEEER!" (Please, don't remind me-again.) Thanks for an excellent Post.
Tundra Woman

Volya Moskin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sweetness said...

Hi there! I miss what I think my life would have been if I'd had a mother that wasn't batshit crazy. The people who tell you not to be angry are infuriating. Honestly I think they can't handle the emotional expression of someone, so they invalidate their experience and tell them not to be angry so THEY will feel better, not the person in pain. It really sucks dog nuts. I'm gonna take a look at your blog now. Thanks for showing me!

Denise Smith said...

Thank you! Your blog was shared on a facebook group "Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers". We're all having a rough go this time of year. It's such a comfort to find other DoNM sister in cyber space! said...

Every single Mothers Day, I have to do the Mothers' Day gift/Card or gift and card, of which I resent so much. I do not now to appease her and to avoid her wrath and revenge later. Every year, I give her something of which is she responds "hmmmm" and then starts to gush over her daughter-in-law and son and family Efforts and how amazing their card or present was and how basically suggesting or hinting how Considerably Better a Card/Present her golden child Daughter-in-law bought her. I sit there and do "oh, that is so lovely" and I think does my mum actually know what she is doing and saying? Without fail. Every single year. This year I didn't make so much effort because there was no point and she does the MY Daughter-in-law is considerably better than you suggestive put-downs. I did give her a card - I just bought one from a supermarket the day before and I didn't bother with present because she told everyone she didn't want a present. I am glad I didn't make an effort this year. My sister-in-law really gets on my nerves. No, my mother favourism gets on my nervers. Doesn't she have a relationship with her own mother? It really grates on me and I am sure they both know how much it annoys me and makes me jealous. She needs to stop putting a in-law first. I use mothers Day a PR exercise to keep my mum sweet as I am still in contact with her, unfortuately. Best Mum? What a lie and insult.

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