Thursday, June 21, 2012

She Just Can't Let Go

I stopped answering the phone when she called and refused to answer her calls.  This was August 2006.  She showed up at my house three days after Christmas, which happened to be her own birthday too.  I lived (even now) 600 miles away from her.  She just showed up at my door one afternoon while I was home alone.  It would be an understatement to say that I froke out when I saw that gold Dodge SUV in my driveway.

These were the days before I knew about NPD.  The days when I was still afraid of her.  I actually huddled down in a corner while she and AF walked around my house knocking on windows and checking to see if back doors were locked.  I hid where they couldn't see me, which was no small feat considering how many ridiculous just-above-the-floor-and-6-feet-tall windows there are in that house.  I called my friend, and between panic-attack hyperventilation breaths, I told her what was going on, and she told me to call the police.  I did. I felt a little stupid at first, but I realized that Medusa and her obedient husband wouldn't back down unless something bigger and badder came along.  NAM was always afraid some authority would find out that she had not been so nice to me, so I knew the coppers would prolly scare the shit out of her.  Plus she would see that I was serious about not ever talking to her and keeping her away from my children for good.

I did feel like a complete (but scared shitless) idiot sitting in a corner with a death grip on my cellphone, wondering what they were gonna try next.  I felt relief when, as soon as I dialed 911, my cellphone went into "emergency" mode, and I knew that if something awful happened, the police would at least cellphone

After getting a surprised reaction from the 911 operator (we live in a small town with a near-zero crime rate, except for the occasional bit of vandalism) who couldn't believe I was calling the cops on my parents until I told her they were trying to get into my house because I cut them out of our lives after I found out they were abusing my children, and that they had driven 600 miles to get here--showing up with no warning, I think she started to understand.

The po-po showed up in about 90 seconds.

The circus lasted almost 2 hours.

One police officer came to my door, and I let him in.  He told me that my parents said they were "worried" about me, and I told him the situation.  He asked me if there had been sexual abuse, and I said I didn't think so, but that I absolutely would not talk to them.  He was also trying to guage my sanity, which makes sense, and fortunately the house was pretty clean and looked quite nice.  The cat came up and rubbed on him, and we had a nice little chat about cats and such.  I told him that NAM had always accused me of being "crazy" even though she beat the shit out of me regularly.  I told him that I tried for years to have a good relationship with them and didn't automatically assume that they would be the same with my children.  I found out that I had been dead wrong.

He was very nice, but he did tell me they looked like "nice people," but I told him that was the problem.  I said we had always been a "good on paper" kind of family, but that appearances can be deceiving, and he agreed.  He told me that if they didn't leave, he would charge them with trespassing, and that if they ever bothered me again, to call the police again, and they would be arrested.  He said he hated to arrest my parents, but that they didn't have the right to be on my property harassing me.

I'm sure the picture NAM painted of me for them was that of an unstable maniac.  She had often told me (if she called more than once and didn't get me) that she was so afraid that I was "being held hostage," which is just nuts.  I guess she couldn't fathom that I might not want to talk to her, or that--gasp!--I had a life that didn't revolve around her phone calls.  I must be a hostage to someone else because I'm her hostage, and it's just awful that someone else would try to keep me from talking to her.

She left a message on my machine after they left.  She claimed that she never treated me differently from her other children, and that they were worried about me, and that they just wanted to see my children.  It was her pity play, which I later learned was the tack they take when they've been put in their place.  It's all about their pain.  I had told the police officer that she told me (in front of witnesses) that she had to hit me more because I was "hard to reach."  He must have mentioned this to her because I doubt she would have mentioned that she "treated me the same as her other children" without him telling her I brought that up.

Shortly after that, I got an email from my SIL who acted like it was the latest morsel of gossip, and she asked me for "the scoop."  She's also the same weirdo that compared being gay to committing murder, but I digress.  I still got emails from AS for a year or so after, but they were more family newsletter types.  She acted like nothing had happened, which seemed loony to me.

For three years after, NAM and AF would call my then-husband's work number and leave messages.   I never listened to them.  Ex2 told me they were wanting to see my children.  I had blocked all family members' phone numbers with our call-blocking service.  I'm pretty damned sure they tried calling with a new cellphone that they bought for my retarded aunt who lived with them.  I guess they think I'm stupid.  I blocked that number too.  I guess they didn't realize that my aunt's name would show up on the caller-ID.

On my birthday in 2009, I got an email from them.  I'm still not sure why they didn't try this method before because they had my email address.  It was the same old "we love you" shit and another request to see and talk to my children.  They had always liked to ruin my birthday, and some of the worse beatings I got happened on my birthday, so it was typically never a good day for me, even after I was an adult.  I called my ISP and had the email address cancelled and was issued another one.  It was a local company, so it wasn't difficult, and I didn't have to show any documentation.

Then I started getting messages through Facebook a couple of months later.  I had friends from my childhood that I talked to on FB.  Well, NAM and AF saw me in the friend lists, and started their pity game again.  I blocked them.

I've not heard anything else, except for the occasional Christmas card that would be sent to the address of my now 2nd ex-husband.  I hate that they were bothering him, but at least it finally stopped about 2 years ago.

Now, I don't care if they can contact me or find me.  I'm not afraid of them.  I would easily unleash hell on them, in person if necessary, should they come anywhere near me or my children. 

I am no longer afraid.


Tundra Woman said...

GOOD ON YOU! I also got "ambushed" 3+ years post NC at my home (SEVERAL MOVES across several states LATER) and lived several hundred miles away from Psychobitch as well. I also called the cops post-haste and let her know I was calling them "right now." She saw through the curtains I had opened that I was dialing the phone and took off immediately: All the screaming, sobbing, yelling and BS she was pulling in my quiet, suburban neighborhood stopped INSTANTLY as she ran to her car and took off. The cops arrived shortly after I called but couldn't locate her. She must have hit the interstate-likely had her "exit strategy" pre-planned. (Like all the other shit they pull.) I ABSOLUTELY would have had her arrested.
I've found over the years it's best to refer to these POS "Parents" as my "Biological Parent" (in your case, "Adoptive Parents") if the topic comes up outside of my late DH and my dearest friend of 30 yrs. It really DOES help to use that term. I've also indicated she "Lost custody of me years ago." She did-as soon as I was of legal age.
Ohhh, yes! They absolutely WILL call/contact ANYONE (friends, neighbors, employers, THE POLICE in your community asking for "Wellness Checks") even if they've never even MET or spoken to these people pumping them for info and continuing the Smear Campaign.
Like you, I've learned A LOT since 1984 about how to initiate NC and cover your bases from a legal POV concurrently.There's now many more laws in effect to protect from Staking, Unwanted Contact etc. These "Parents" are utterly shameless-and aggressive as hell when you terminate the relationship. They depend on that whole, "Well, I'm her MOOOOTTTHEEER/father! I SHOULD KNOOOWWW!" Expect the calls to your county's Children's Services to start as well: You'll be opening your door to a knock some day from a Case Worker. If there's one point I could get across to those contemplating NC it's put it in writing-minimally. If I had to do it again I'd pay an attorney to write the letter. A letter doesn't cost much and it covers a whole bunch of contingencies you NEVER could have imagined.
They never respected our boundaries anyway (which is a huge reason WHY we terminate the relationship) and they're not gonna start post NC.
Despite it all, I've never regretted that decision and I bet you don't either!

vicariousrising said...

I'm so glad you're not letting them scare you. It still must be majorly annoying. I got one lucky draw in the crappy parent lottery in that my mother is an increasingly poor/phobic traveller so I doubt she'll ever stalk me. Plus, I married into a family that intimidates the hell out of her. I didn't do it on purpose (although I bet she thinks I did it out of spite), but damn am I glad I did.

Sweetness said...

I should have a letter drawn up outlining why I went NC and letting them know why I keep my children away from them. It would probably be a good tool if my wishes in my will aren't sufficient should I die before all three are over 18.

Tundra Woman said...

Ooh-good thought. Just a suggestion FWIW: Have your signature notarized as well as a few copies. I don't know if that would be considered a legal codicil.
Do you happen to have a Legal Aid or Legal Clinic in your area? Or a Law School? They usually do Wills. Where I live my Will covered a variety of bases by mentioning Psychobitch and NS by their full legal names and stating they were NOT to benefit from my Estate, have contact with my immediate family-complete legal names-in ANY way "..for reasons that are known to them." That didn't mean they couldn't contest-anyone CAN (and these fools WILL) but they'd be pissing in the wind legally. If they wanted to spend their $$$ on such foolishness have at it, bitches.

Volya Moskin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sweetness said...

I was reading your blog post, and holy crap! I'm still reading it because I had to go back over parts to make sure I read what I thought I read. It was like my brain kept saying NO!NO!NO!

Glad you found my blog and showed me yours. I think we all help each other immensely. Others who haven't been through this junk just don't get it. "Why can't you move past it already?" Stupid, invalidating comments that make us feel worse.